By steadfastly focusing on gloom in Ukraine, Iraq, Gaza and West Africa, the world’s general grumpiness has detracted from the UK’s enjoyment of a new Dr Who, Kate Bush in concert and the anticipation of Mario Balotelli going ‘bat shit crazy’ at Liverpool.
One citizen complained: ‘Jihadists spreading ebola, planes crashing in Gaza – it’s all too depressing. What happened to those upbeat stories like UKIP’s Godfrey Bloom hitting journalist Michael Crick over the head with his own leaflet? Slapstick without real people getting hurt.’
Psychologists have agreed that the rest of the world needs to stop focussing on the negative and exercise a little more, have a relaxing bath or ‘…watch footage of Chris Huhne having his face crushed by a camera lens’.
Many in the UK believe the peoples of Iraq should keep quiet, at least until ‘…they have become a little more British about everything’. A Whitehall spokesmen said: ‘When all’s said and done, unless you’re Alex Salmond, it’s cool being a Brit. Yes, we lose the odd cricket match but thanks to four hundred years of unbroken democracy and internet porn we actually have pretty good time. And we’ve much straighter teeth these days.’