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Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off conflict

Tart!The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatant’s ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great British Bake Off.

‘It was only for 40 seconds or so,’ she protested to UN observers. Billionaire Peace Envoy Tony Blair tweeted from the safety of his villa in Tuscany, ’45 seconds is all it takes. We cannot stand idly by. #ToldYouSo #MyPlaceInHistory.’

President Obama, in an unusually hawkish mood issued a statement stating that ‘Atrocities against baked Alaska are just unacceptable’. More swiftly than usual he decisively did nothing. A congressman summed up a grim situation: ‘Great Britain is a small country with most of its inhabitants forced into a narrow strip of land to the south facing the sea. The people have literally no-where to go, it is a siege.’

The latest ceasefire lasted just four hours during filming today, after co-presenter Sue Perkins did one of her ‘quirky innuendo’ faces, driving an enraged contestant to fling a chocolate bombe with deadly precision, demolishing a stand on which some defenceless fairy cakes had been resting. It was reported that a BBC cameraman had to be treated for shock after capturing footage of Mary Berry sucking jam from her fingers as she savagely devoured one of the casualties.

‘The carnage was terrible’, stated a subdued Paul Hollywood. ‘However, I am here to judge cakes, not crumbs.’ He shrugged dismissively, waving away a crying contestant who claimed to have ‘lost everything’ in the last air strike. BBC film crews have since been ‘walking on eggshells’ in the warzone, wary of inflaming the situation while surrounded by nervous combatants who appeared to be stockpiling jagged rock cakes.

David Cameron has called on all sides to remain calm and refrain from retaliating. He confirmed that ‘Whilst we have no boots on the ground, the SAS are levitating nearby on Operation Bingate, searching for the perpetrator of what is surely the worst atrocity of 2014. They have orders to slot the old lady on sight. The whole world is looking on and what we saw happen to that young man’s pudding frankly turned my stomach.’

Meanwhile, conditions at the scene are said to be grim, with the indigenous population running perilously short on vital supplies such as flour, water, doilies and little silver sugar balls.

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Posted: Aug 28th, 2014 by Squudge

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