Rebel gunman Ahmed, 23, of Tripoli, claims to have made a significant breakthrough in identifying the cause of a series of mysterious deaths caused by people being hit in the top of the head by bullets falling from the sky.
In his excitement to tell reporters, he pointed his AK-47 skywards and unleashed a few rounds, but then he immediately put on his helmet and advised the reporters to do the same.
‘When you think about it, it’s obvious,’ said a jubilant Ahmed, as a nearby spectator collapsed in a heap with a hole in his head. ‘What goes up must come down. It’s not rocket science: it’s basic physics. When the crowds cheer as we turn up on the back of a Toyota pickup, we celebrate by firing in the air and accidentally killing a few of them. Talk about ironic!’
Scientists believe Ahmed has made a major evolutionary leap, but it is highly unlikely that he will survive to pass on what has become known as the ‘Newton gene’ to another generation. Even if he does, and it is probable that other gunmen have done so in the past, his offspring may not turn out to be gunmen and will not require the new skills.
Evidence from the rest of society shows that the Newton gene may be less widespread than previously thought, and social scientists warn against complacency. Strangely, it is very common among the less sophisticated, such as footballers and golfers, who benefit enormously from their ability to hit balls in the air and be instinctively aware of where they will come down.
On the other hand, the gene is almost entirely absent in educated householders and investors, as well as Daily Mail readers, who in every generation experience unexpected negative equity and stock market crashes.
Ahmed’s interview ended tragically. On being told by a reporter that despite his new-found awareness he might soon qualify for a special Darwin Award, he raised his helmet and fired a celebratory volley into the sky.
24th August 2011