The NHS has come under fire after a Panorama programme showed that it is ‘systematically failing’ lovesick Britons by cutting the number of ‘leurve’ doctors trained to deliver emotional and erotic first aid.
‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’
Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’
Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’
The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’
jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)
30th August 2011