Anticipating he will have a lot of ‘free time on his hands’ after the next election, the Deputy Prime Minister has volunteered to provide round-the-clock support to all new parents. The Liberal Democrat’s’ manifesto will pledge that Mr. Clegg will stay with couples for up to six weeks after the birth of their child; providing nappy changing, reassuring hugs and amusing anecdotes about proportionate representation if ‘…baby refuses to go to sleep’.
By extending the allowance with which new parents can use Mr. Clegg, it is hoped that the ‘soon to be ex-Minister’ will now have something to keep himself busy, rather than just apologising to the electorate. A Lib Dem activist said: ‘This is an important policy for Nick and a responsibility he takes very seriously. I know for a fact Nick’s been in regular training for this and is fairly confident he can lactate on demand’.
A spokeswoman for Business and Equalities Minister Jo Swinson has said the first face every newborn sees should be a Lib Dem one: ‘…as this is the only viable way we’ll ever get any new votes in the future. Yes, it will be a little creepy having Nick wandering around your house in a towelling dressing gown but he’ll happily sleep at the foot of the bed’.
The spokeswoman admitted: ‘…there will be some logistical challenges in reaching thousands of post-natal couples, but Mr. Clegg is confident that a visit from him is just the very tonic to banish those baby blues. Despite the coalition having invested £15bn less in support for children and families, people would much rather hear Nick sing a gentle lullaby, than have the cash’.