Will Self claims he could have written Kate Bush’s songs – ‘only better’‏


Having already dismissed George Orwell’s contributions to twentieth century literature, as ‘mediocre’, Mr. Self has humbly explained why other artistic icons are not worthy to be considered a genius. To this end, the 6′ 5″ Playboy journalist has announced his plans to tour with an album of his own compositions and prove that he is ‘…the greatest female singer-songwriter of his generation’.

Author of nine novels and two pop-up books, Mr. Self has made very few forays into the music world but has explored enough drugs to ‘…have written ten Sgt. Pepper’s!’ In deconstructing the back catalogue of Kate Bush, Mr. Self was dismissive of her work: ‘All you need to do is flail your arms around while wearing a leotard, making fatuous literary allusions. Well, I’ve been doing that last part for years. How hard can it be to find a unitard in my size?’

While Kate Bush has garnered rave reviews for her current stage show and has eight albums in the Official UK Albums Chart simultaneously, only Mr. Self can claim to have made Ulrika Jonsson smile with a ‘…terribly clever pun’. His agent confirmed. ‘Bush is overrated. Her album covers are too obvious. Will is going down a much more artistic route. Something like Sting’s semi-naked photo – you know the one – him, holding a lute while his wife does yoga. Classy. None of that hippy-trippy stuff. A bit of culture. Will brews his own coffee, smokes a pipe and takes long meaningful walks. He’s a proper musician. None of that dicking around with instruments’.

One Rock n’ Roll historian commented: ‘Ms Bush has shunned publicity, while Mr. Self is an actual television personality – with gravitas, a sophisticated monotone and the face of Chris Langham. You’re nobody unless you’re on a panel show. It was only a matter of time until he eclipsed all other artists. And he’s already penned a Bush homage – ‘The Man with his Head up his Arse’.

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Posted: Sep 1st, 2014 by

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