Fear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence ‘before their family comes home’, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywood’s favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for Cuprinol®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Seagal’s squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian.
As the FBI investigates the ‘iCloud’ celebrity picture leaks, they have taken the unprecedented steps to pixelate out Mr. Seagal’s genitals from raw footage of ‘Under Siege 2’. A spokesman said: ‘We take the hacking of celebrity accounts very seriously but of greater concern is that we could end up with Steven Seagal doing naked yoga lunges as a screen saver’.
Much of the confusion has been caused by a hyperlink named ‘bronzed arse on film’, which many assumed was a coded reference to a cavorting Miss Lawrence. Instead, once clicked, you are taken to gallery of ‘naked Seagals’, with all but a 7th-dan black belt to cover his aging ‘man bits’. One browser expressed surprise over the security leak: ‘Just how many pornographic selfies do celebs own? That’s a hell of a lot of photos, if you’ve filled your hard drive and you need to start storing the excess on a Cloud. Frankly, that’s a lot of narcissism, pouting and whipped cream’.
Around twenty celebrities are alleged to have been hacked, but half of all web addresses lead back to Mr. Seagal ‘…in his birthday suit’. An agent for the ‘Actor stroke Musician’ said: ‘Mr. Seagal is raising awareness of environmental issues by appearing stark bollock naked on your PC. You may be expecting to see Mary Elizabeth Winstead and her husband, but you’re much more likely to be concerned about the torture of baby elephants if you’re starring at something resembling a swinging, wrinkled, grey trunk’.