After a day of heavy fighting, the new middle-class terror group has proclaimed itself ruler of Harrogate, Ripon and Knaresborough. A ‘Poshmerga’ spokesperson, identified only as ‘Debbie from Marketing’ said they were now consolidating their position, but a column of Range Rovers was observed this afternoon, headed towards Skipton.
Trouble began around 8 a.m local time, when youths throwing patio bricks clashed with NYPD riot officers (North Yorkshire Police Department). Nearby American base at Menwith Hill did not notice the incident. ‘The base is US territory,’ said an American officer, ‘so to us it was still three in the morning.’
Debbie added, ‘Looters ransacked a garden centre near Poshmerga HQ and there were no meerkat statuettes left when I got there, so Derek from Accounts changed his name to Derek-al-Accounts and promised to restore order. He proclaimed himself Grand Vezir of Upper Nidderdale and declared balsamic law.’
Posmerga territory contains valuable reserves of spring water, so the group now has its own source of income. They are also selling old Victorian street lights on Axis of eBay and accepting donations via PayPal.
At Betty’s Tea Rooms, customers declared themselves satisfied with their new rulers. ‘They’ve got the Turnip Taliban checking for organic vegetables in Waitrose,’ said one, ‘and compulsory zumba classes at the Methodist Church Hall.’