An inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.
Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’
Spencer Knott, and HR professional currently serving two years in Croydon for aggravated buggery commented: ‘This is devastating from a continuing personal development perspective. How are younger criminals supposed to get on the career ladder if twocking and five-fingered retail discounts are no longer considered worthy of recognition? The youngsters are going to feel unmotivated and move into other sectors of employment such as politics and banking. This could lead to a serious drain in skills.’
The report highlighted further failings with a number of instances of wrong-doers attempting to turn themselves in at the local police station being handed leaflets advising them ‘not to do it again’. Cheryl from Hemel Hempstead confided ‘I rang the line the leaflet gave and got an automated response that said ‘Your crime is important to us. Please hold.’ Then they play you endless Justin Beiber records. If that isn’t police abuse I don’t know what is.’
Police have hit back, while conceding they couldn’t get too excited about it. ‘We have offered to get victims to muck in with the paperwork, shredding files and stuff. At a push we could dress them up as Community Officers and get them to do a spot of brutality for us.’
Senior Police officers have advised their clients, however, not to be overly ambitious in their support, and to avoid such complex operations as fibbing about objectionable members of Parliament. A spokes-PCC added, ‘We would like to assure the public that the Force will be retaining core functions such as covering up stadium disasters and long-term oversight of organised paedophile rings.’