David Cameron has denied that the campaign against Scottish independence has ‘run out of ideas’ today by announcing that an independent Scotland will ‘never find out’ what sex the new Royal baby turns out to be. ‘I won’t tell you whether it’s a girl or a boy, and you won’t be able to watch BBC News 24 to find out either,’ the prime minister said at a Better Together hustings in Dumfries. ‘And don’t expect the Queen to tell you either, if you vote yes she’ll be bloody furious.’
The Royal baby news has caused an otherwise leaden referendum campaign to explode into life. Scottish Labour MP Jim Murphy has returned to his tedious tour of Scotland’s high streets, temporarily abandoned last week after an egg-throwing voter accused him of ‘not talking about the Royal family enough’.
Mr Murphy won over a number of voters to the No Campaign by promising that the Royal baby stratagem was just the start. ‘We’ll introduce free UK-wide wifi and we’ll never tell you the password,’ he warned. ‘And we will ensure that Doctor Who gets shot by a Cyberman the week before independence and then we won’t let you see the episode where he finishes regenerating.’
Other key pieces of national information to be withheld from an independent Scotland include who killed Lucy Beale in EastEnders, which celebrities’ naked photos leak next, and whether anybody ever actually builds that bloody railway to Birmingham. ‘We will still let you know what Nick Clegg promises in his next manifesto, but we won’t tell you whether he sticks to it,’ Mr Murphy added. ‘Mind you, you can probably work that one out for yourselves.