Fans of psychological projection, blamestorming and scapegoating were over the moon last night after First Minister Alex Salmond won them an important concession in the lead-up to next week’s historic referendum. It has been confirmed that, even when Scotland has become a strong, world respected nation with a flourishing economy and healthy population, it will still have an option to ‘blame everything on the English’.
Some experts feared that Scotland’s booming economy and spreading bonhomie might change the national character forever. The feel good factor, surging national confidence and removal of all the chains that held them back could, ironically, have a detrimental effect on the nation, the experts warned.
It was claimed that ancient traditions and rituals could be abandoned as Scotland spirals into a life of gay abandon and ‘goodwill to all Englishmen’. ‘Scotland could be sleepwalking into happiness and content and, even worse, could lose its sense of grievance,’ warned one expert, who added further claims that Scotland could exhibit all the terrible symptoms of ‘new baby syndrome’.
However, Salmond was quick to reassure the electorate that England will not lose its ‘Great Satan’ status anytime soon. ‘Mark my words, England will continue to be the core reason for any current or future hardships Scotland endure, as well as the butt of every joke when we’re doing well and they aren’t’, he said.
The confident leader went on to explain that England has already been ‘pre-blamed’ for several future events, including bad weather, catastrophic outbreaks of disease like smallpox and ebola, and all future underwhelming performances from Andy Murray.