Rob Murray, a 31-year-old painter and decorator from Easterhouse, was left with two broken nails, a cut eyebrow, and a mild headache that required two paracetamol the following morning.
‘I’m just embarrassed for them more than ma’self,’ Murray said. ‘Three Glaswegian lads jump me, and the worst they’ve done is damage ma’ pride in the local fightin’ talent. They were a total disgrace.’
Mr Murray wasn’t just critical of the feeble amount of pain inflicted on him, but also the attackers’ style. ‘All three o’ em came at me head oan, but then only one of them was punchin’ me at a time. It was like a scene from some Hoallywood movie where the bad guys line up to be taken down by some soft ponce. Ye know, like Harrison Ford on a plane or whatever. Pathetic.’
The incident happened just yards from The Bridge Inn pub on Easterhouse Road. It is not believed the suspects were drinking in the pub that night, as their patrons know damn well how to handle themselves.
Detective Sergeant Hugh Thomson, of the Greater Glasgow Division of Police Scotland, confirmed they were looking for three effete, limp-wristed suspects in connection with the incident.
‘We’re nae sayin’ there’s any threat to the public from these individurals,’ he said. ‘In fact they’re more likely to end up harming themseln. For this reason we ask people to be on the look out for these characters who can be easily identified by their Voi clothing, v-shaped haircuts, and the embarrassed looks on their wee faces.’
Meanwhile, Mr Murray has extended an invitation to his attackers to join him at a local Muay Thai boxing night, or perhaps a session of Zumba first.
‘Och, there’s really no hard feelins, I just want them to do better next time. There’s no reason a three-on-one mugging shouldn’t result in some actual violence. With some coaching I think they could handle a young teenager, or possibly even an adult Englishman.’