‘At the end of the day, we don’t have that much in common with the British,’ said Dick Sawle, a member of the island’s legislative assembly. ‘Sure, we both like complaining about the crap weather and winding up the Argies, and we both come from tiny islands people only pay any attention to now for historical reasons, but that’s where the similarities end. Basking in tropical sunshine and drinking rum all day sounds like a much better lifestyle choice to me.’
Island farmers have already set about digging around the coastline and fishermen have been attaching ropes to prominent outcrops on the north side of the island in preparation for the move to sunnier climes.
‘As soon as we have the island free of the seabed, we’ll have teams of rowers working around the clock in a bid to get the island moving up the Atlantic,’ explained Governor Nigel Haywood. ‘We’ve calculated that with 30 crews each working 8-hour shifts, we could be somewhere near Trinidad in time for the summer tourist season. We’ve never had a tourist season before.’
Falkland Islanders insist that their right to self-determination includes choosing who their neighbours are. ‘It’d be nice if someone visited once in a while,’ continued Sawle. ‘In our experience the British and Argentineans are like buses – you wait ages for one of them to turn up, and then they both appear at once. They never pop round just to see how we’re doing, and when they do visit they always want something, like sovereignty or oil exploration rights.’
Port Stanley gift shop owner, Peter Clarke, summed up the islanders’ mood. ‘We’re fed up with Britain and Argentina buggering about in our affairs. All this cock waving over who owns our islands has been wearing pretty thin these last 30 years. The people of the Falklands have sent a clear message to both sides: you can keep the fucking penguins, we’re off for some reggae and jerk chicken in the sun.’
Following the outcome of the referendum, the British Government has refused to comment on rumours that Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, is already in talks with the Seychelles.