In a surprise move, God has announced a strategic alliance with Barclays Bank to utilise contactless payment technology to replace old-fashioned confessions.
‘They have expertise in contactless payments and I’m haemorrhaging souls for want of an efficient penance system,’ said God in a news conference today. Contactless cards are pre-loaded with prayers so that confessions are much slicker. ‘All that hanging around in draughty churches repeating Hail Marys and Our Fathers has been putting people off engaging with My message of redemption,’ said the Almighty, adding that focus groups had identified confessionals as the biggest bugbear in the church system. ‘No more sitting in confined spaces with priests but no wi-fi – from now on, it’s just one swipe with your card and you’re done,’ he added.
Apple have said they were hoping that God would have considered their new Apple Pay system instead, and have asked Steve Jobs to intercede. God is on record as saying that intercession, like iTunes, is not welcome in His kingdom.
Some industry experts have warned that the new system will further divide the haves and the have-nots. “That’s where we come in,” said a Wonga spokesman, adding, ‘We can offer prayer-day loans at our usual rates,’ he said. The Wonga deal is causing concern with some industry insiders. ‘Essentially they want you to sell them your soul,’ said one expert, ‘and I don’t expect this initiative to be any different.’