President Obama has offered to send 3,000 American troops to Liberia to help fight the virus outbreak, on the proviso that Ebola adopts a more Jihadist approach. In turn the US industrial arms complex has said it has billions of dollars worth of weaponry waiting to be sold the moment Ebola declares a fundamentalist Islamic state, grows a beard or ‘discovers oil’.
The World Health Organization reported that raising awareness of Ebola is an uphill struggle, given the disease’s reluctance to endorse any specific medieval religious creeds. One doctor said: ‘Decreased liver function is one thing, but beheadings are more visual – can’t Ebola do something like that? This outbreak has killed more than 2,400 people but almost no western journalists’.
While the UN has made an appeal to all nations for $1bn (£618m) to prevent the further spread in West Africa, officials have admitted that it is hard to ‘get excited’ by something lacking ‘YouTube rants’. One three-star general explained: ‘What we’d really like to do is bomb some stuff. Building treatment centres is all very admirable, but it’s lacking a drone-ish precision-strike…oeuvre’.
Medical charity Medecins Sans Frontieres has stepped in to counter the slow international response. A spokesman told a packed room of journalists: ‘Look at this photo of the Ebola virus. Technically we are talking about hemorrhagic fever, rather than terrorists. But if you squint your eyes…a little bit…and tilt your head…see? There – Abu Hamza!’