‘Dog ends, ciggy packets, vomit and, of course, copious dog shit, that’s what the public thinks is suitable for leaving on the pavement,’ said the newly appointed Pavements Minister, Sebastian Fanshaw MP. ‘And no pavement has seen a sweeper in years, so no wonder we’re constantly slipping on part-composted crap.’
Trapped between David Cameron’s wish to sort out the nation’s pavements before the next election and George Osborne’s refusal to increase the budget above nil, Fanshaw has announced that the new policy will be to leverage the situation and just deposit a mulch made from the existing materials over the pavements.
‘A hard crust forms, so it’s good to walk on and the heat generated will keep the paths clear and safe in winter. They say our roads are shit – wait until you see our pavements,’ he glowed.