Following his last minute show of support for the Yes campaign in last week’s Scottish independence referendum, tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.
‘Having kept fully abreast of the referendum campaign in my home country, I foolishly proffered an opinion and showed a preference for a specific outcome on the issue of Scottish self-determination,’ Murray said. ‘I now realise that this was entirely wrong of me and that I had no right to enter the debate that affected the future of the country in which I was born and raised.’
In the event of Scottish independence being raised again in the mid-term future following the decisive No vote, Murray has vowed to follow the lead of other Scottish athletes in mumbling something about English physios being really good and expressing a vague sense of Britishness, whatever that actually means.
‘I would just like to add that I have felt privileged to represent Great Britain in the Davis Cup and have always enjoyed a good relationship with the English players on the team, even though they are all shit at tennis. Can I also add that I have greatly enjoyed the thousands of permutations on “the joke” about whether I am Scottish or British depending on whether or not I was winning at the time, and in retrospect I realise that a Yes vote would probably have spoiled it.’
This latest controversy involving opinionated sportsmen comes hard on the heels of this summer’s World Cup, when Wayne Rooney found himself in hot water after claiming that the poverty found in Rio De Janeiro favelas could historically be attributed to Portuguese mercantilism and the conflict between rapid globalisation and post-colonial governance in a country of grotesque income inequality that has still not come to terms with being economically founded on slavery. Rooney was subsequently handed a three match ban by FIFA and told to keep away from Leighton Baines’s granny.