Maths professor Alan Daley has worked out the true cause of crop circles after his son started attending a minor public school in Kent and he began to delve into the complex maths of how public schools structure their fees.
‘I was able to link the apparently standard pricing of tuck shop credits, which involves both i and j polar coordinates raised to negative powers, to a frequently repeating pattern the world over. That became my Rosetta Stone as I compared the variances in pricing structures across Public Schools the length and breadth of the country and finally discovered Eton was a complete match.’
Most crop circles are messages regarding ongoing funding, though some are clearly personal like one from around 1986 that translated to ‘Boris, stop acting like a twat’. Having fully researched Eton alumnae, Daley has concluded that the Earth’s gravitational force is larger than the aliens can cope with, rendering them incapable of manual work, and that the constantly fluctuating magnetic flux disrupts their thought processes. Consequently many drift into politics instead.