US defence officials have this week confirmed plans to refrain from bombing things for the entire month of October. US Secretary of State John Kerry, who reluctantly agreed to the idea, said: ‘It’s going to be tough, but we’ve received some really helpful support packs from NATO on how to control the urges we’re likely to face over the coming weeks. Going cold turkey is always risky, though. That reminds me actually, we need to bomb Turkey when this is done.’
‘You know what it’s like’, he continued, ‘you’re having a busy day, the kids are screaming, you’re out of coffee, etcetera. There’s nothing that soothes that ache more effectively than carpet-bombing an obscure village on the outskirts of Aleppo. I guess it’s our equivalent of a mud bath or a Thai massage or whatever?’
Health experts have warned that missile launch withdrawal can heighten feelings of agitation, induce sweaty palms, and create a tendency to kick small animals and children for no actual reason.
‘Firstly you must identify why you want to quit before you can truly quit’, explained one health expert assisting with the four week ceasefire. ‘Bombing stuff is pretty expensive, for example, so if your objective is to save money, you could maybe use a few economic sanctions instead, or just spread some malicious rumours on Twitter. That way you can remain both aggressive and thrifty.’
‘Stoptober couldn’t really have come at a worse time’, continued Kerry, ‘there’s so much shit to bomb right now. I could literally spin this ground-to-air missile around like dreidel, and whichever direction it stops at, there would be some pretty decent political or religious justifications for launching it.
‘Literally, I’ve checked it on my iPhone compass, nobody is safe right now.’