Mounting public anger over Britain’s burgeoning blame culture erupted into violence in Portsmouth yesterday, as a torch bearing mob identified a man who might be responsible. Kevin Simkins, who has a slight stammer and sometimes avoids eye contact with people he doesn’t know, was immediately identified by mob leader Kevin Morris as the ‘evil scumbag what started blame culture’.
After a fair trial, it was learned that Simkins doesn’t float when thrown in the village pond. An appeal using the ducking stool failed to exonorate the defendant. Though defence counsel for Simkins pleaded ‘leave ‘im Kevin, ‘es just not worf it’ – the prosecutors decided that the defendant would only understand one form of judicial process – or ‘Thing’ as it’s known in Portsmouth.
Simkins tried to explain in his defence that so-called ‘blame culture’ was an age-old social phenomenon that emerged from an under-educated society looking for simple solutions to complex problems. However he could not deny that he was indeed on the other side of the door when the torch wielding mob smashed down his front door, which the mob believed proved his guilt beyond doubt.
Simkins was then taken away, given an indiscriminate kicking (even by people who’d never normally join in a fight) and strung up from a lamp post. ‘I’m a tolerant man,’ said Morris. ‘but if I get my hands on one of these blame culture bastards, I don’t know what I’d do.’ Asked whether he might kick the blame culture suspect in the head and string him up from a lamp post, Morris said, ‘Oh yeah, bertie big bollocks. Do you want some too? Oy: we got another one here!’
5th October 2009