Disturbing reports are emerging that some staff within the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs have a growing desire to go out and kill more badgers. ‘To be honest, we’re not all that bothered about the TB. It’s just embarrassing, feeling that they defeated us,’ said a masked DEFRA spokesman.
‘I’d never felt so alive,’ he added. ‘My daily grind is just office work in London, same old, same old. But during the culls it felt like I was accepted by a gang for the first time in my life, really accepted. It was like the Spanish Civil War. I used to write home to my girlfriend, and I felt like – I dunno, Hemingway or something. Some of the boys learned to smoke.’
‘We all got tattoos. Mine was a picture of a badger in uniform with my blood group above his head – you know, in case I took a round. They weren’t actually armed, so that wasn’t a major risk, it just felt right.’
‘Every night we’d lay waste to a different country pub after a hard day’s culling. Mostly the locals avoided us, but some of the girls found us glamorous; I don’t suppose they saw many strangers.’
‘Now I just complete reports on milk quotas. Occasionally I’ll see one of the guys by the photocopier, and we’ll share a look. The others don’t understand. They weren’t there.’