Beloved pastry matriarch and national baking supremo Mary Berry is gearing up to swap her apron and eggs for a gas mask and concentrated methylamine this winter, after the BBC commissioned a gritty new primetime cookery spinoff competition to be titled ‘Baking Bad’.
Following a similar format to the hugely popular Great British Bake Off but with the bleak, amoral undertones of parent show Breaking Bad, the new programme will follow a group of budding drug dealers and wayward chemistry teachers who will be tasked with producing the ‘purest possible’ crystallised methamphetamine, under the watchful eyes of methspert Berry and her erstwhile cohost and hard man Paul Hollywood.
‘I was made aware of the show back in August; it’s all been very hush hush’, revealed Mary today. ‘I’m more familiar with rhubarb tarts and fruit cakes than I am ephedrine and hydrochloric acid, but I’ve done a lot of jolly good research. I’ve been living in a crack-den in Harlow, for instance, and Sue Perkins has been keeping me well stocked with a healthy supply of blue meth. What do you think we use all that kitchen space for during the week, more bloody macaroons?’
When asked about her experience in using crystal meth herself, Mary added, ‘well, I need to practice what I preach, so of course I’ve dabbled. We’ve all heard the phrase, “never trust a skinny chef”, well you should never trust a healthy meth cook. With that in mind, naturally I’m not looking my best at the moment. It seems to have hit Paul harder, though; I believe he’s a fully-blown meth-head now. Oops – there goes another tooth.’
Paul Hollywood, who has lost a remarkable six stone since beginning his research for the show, screamed: ‘I personally can’t wait for the taste test. I expect to be well and truly off my swede by plate number three. Now if you’re done asking questions, can somebody please get me out of this spaceship, I need to call Scooby Doo to sort out this giant pink elephant in my shoe.’
Hollywood was then removed from the studio after maniacally dropping his trousers to expose his big soggy bottom.