Liberal Democrats ‘will be more like Apprentice contestants’, promises Clegg

"a bloody shambles"

Nick Clegg, the embattled Liberal Democrat leader, has promised that his party will be ‘more like Apprentice contestants’ as the Coalition government enters a ‘more businesslike’ phase.

‘The bottom line is that the Liberal Democrats just weren’t pushy or irritating enough to win over voters at last week’s local elections,’ said Clegg. ‘And as Sir Alan would tell you, in business it’s all about the bottom line.’

The Deputy Prime Minister went on to contrast the humiliation of his own party at the polls with The Apprentice’s massive viewing figures. ‘Sir Alan gets eight million viewers by sitting in a boardroom full of vain, shallow, self-serving morons who spout meaningless clichés in an effort to conceal their ignorance and outlast their colleagues. It’s high time the Cabinet was more like that, so the Liberal Democrats are going to step up to the plate, give it 150 per cent, think outside the box and deliver incredible results.’

The move has angered some Lib Dems, with Business Secretary Vince Cable criticising Mr Clegg’s plan to change the name of the party to ‘Team Win’. ‘He didn’t manage the team very well at all on that last task,’ Cable complained. ‘I could have told him that we didn’t have a strong concept, but unfortunately he was too full of himself to see the granularity. I am a key cog in the wheel and he should have made better use of my extensive skill-set and unstoppable charisma. I would have given this task 200 per cent.’

And in an open challenge to Mr Clegg’s authority, Energy Secretary Chris Huhne emailed party supporters to tell them: ‘I admit that we dropped the ball on this task, but if you make myself the project manager going forward then I promise you I will give it 400 per cent and get astronomical results that will rock your world, transforming your notion of success.’

Prime Minister David Cameron has said he ‘broadly supports’ Mr Clegg’s efforts to shore up party discipline and denied rumours that he is preparing to start firing one Liberal Democrat a week until only one is left standing. ‘But I’ll be watching Nick very closely in the next few weeks; he needs to prove he’s up to the job,’ Mr Cameron said. ‘I’m not a charity. It’s sink or swim. I don’t do lifeboats – at least not since we cut funding to the RNLI by 40%.’

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Posted: Oct 15th, 2014 by

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