Police have said they are ‘desperately concerned’ for the welfare of UKIP leader Nigel Farage after he was reported missing from the news ten minutes ago.
‘This is completely uncharacteristic behaviour for poor Nigel,’ said a concerned television viewer. ‘I couldn’t believe it when I realised I couldn’t see his beaming, toadlike face or hear his fruity, obliquely-racist voice on the news talking about Rochester or the EU or his opinion about naked selfies or Scotland or Ebola. It’s been almost twelve minutes now. He’s never been gone this long before, to my limited recollection, so I immediately called the police. We just want to make sure he stays missing.
‘My wife was in floods of tears when I told her,’ he added. ‘Mainly because she was born in Romania. She’s over the moon, but I don’t want to raise her hopes.’
The missing persons unit of the Metropolitan Police launched a hasty appeal to identify the UKIP leader’s whereabouts. ‘If he’s not found soon, he may be at risk of serious harm from underexposure,’ said a spokesman. ‘Please, if you have any information at all that may help us find him, keep it to yourself.’