Former Home Secretary Johnson Alan Johnson revealed today that the spectral, black-eyed ‘lost soul’ seen haunting the corridors of the Palace of Westminster over the last few months is, in fact, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband.
‘Increasing sightings of this tragic apparition meandering through Westminster, engaging in animated conversations with portraits of Prime Ministers on the walls, had sparked much speculation that the poor creature is searching for something,’ said Johnson. ‘A policy – or a miracle, probably.’
It was only when Johnson had a spooky encounter with the ghoul that its identity became apparent. ‘I was about to leave the Commons for the night when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started gabbling away at me. I’m not afraid to say it gave me the willies all right,’ said the MP for Hull West and Hessle. ‘It fired questions at me such as, ‘You’re working class. What’s it like?’, ‘Who’s Danny Dyer?’, ‘How do you eat a bacon sandwich?’ and ‘What’s a football season ticket?’.’
It was only then that Mr Johnson recognised the pathetic figure as Miliband. ‘I thought “Fuck me, a wannabe populist toff, the poor desperate sod”. At first, it looked for all the world as if it was Nigel Farage, but behind those black panda eyes and that gibbering adenoidal voice were the vestiges of someone I knew… it was Ed.’
‘I told him I couldn’t chat as I was on the way to a ‘This Week’ sofa gig with Andrew Neil and Mikey Portillo, but that if he fancied a cheeky pint in a quiet rubbidy some time, then I’d be only too happy to answer his questions,’ said Johnson. ‘But he just looked at me with wild, staring and uncomprehending orbs. Then with a macabre howl, he vanished sobbing into thin air.’
David Miliband was unavailable for comment.