No hard feelings, says PM as third Tory rebel dies in mysterious circumstances

off to get a sinister pair of glasses in the morning

The Police have said that the death of a third Conservative rebel MP earlier today, remains “unexplained”. Meanwhile, David Cameron insisted that no ‘bad blood’ existed after 81 Tory MPs defied the government and voted for a referendum on EU membership.

Clive Tuck, who represented Bickersly South, is reported to have driven his car off a cliff at a secluded beauty spot after first lashing his hands to the wheel and consuming an entire bottle of whiskey.

Mr Tuck’s death comes less than 48 hours after fellow Tory rebel John Whitcroft was found decapitated whilst mowing trees at his country estate; while junior Minister Malcolm Burke was discovered floating in Bassenthwaite Lake after undertaking a fishing trip at three in the morning.

Mr Cameron said: “We have lost valued, albeit treacherous, colleagues. But I think we should avoid jumping to conclusions about how these unrelated and entirely accidental deaths occurred. No-one ever really quits the Conservative party and I like to think that this is something they realised just before the end.”

Detective Chief Inspector Mike Blunt, who is leading the enquiry, said: “None of these men had a history of taking their own lives, but nevertheless we cannot rule out the possibility of suicide. It is odd, I’ll grant you, but then so is the fact that it is impossible to lick your own elbow and yet you can’t blame that on the government whips.”

Conservative Parliamentary private secretary Gavin Stork resigned in order to take part in the vote, and told the BBC that many Eurosceptic rebels are now in fear of their lives. He said: “I just don’t know who to trust. Every time I hear someone at the door I think it must be William Hague, here to give me a going over in the style of an even blander and more monotonous George Smiley.

“Of course, we aren’t engaged in some sort of vendetta,” said Mr Cameron. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear, people are entitled to their own differing and often dangerous views. I’m sure the conspiracy nuts and other cranks will have a field day trying to link these brutual accidents with the EU vote. However, I would much rather offer my heartfelt condolences to the families of the four, sorry, three people who have died thus far.”

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Posted: Oct 25th, 2014 by

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