Britain, the popular but eccentric contestant on BBC’s The EU Apprentice, said last night that it expects to be next to receive the bullet from Lord Alan Sugar, following some increasingly erratic performances. Only a monumental bunga-bunga from Italy spared Britain in this week’s show.
‘Britain, you were hopeless in the Party Organisation challenge. You stood in the corner afraid to talk to anyone, then downed 12 pints of lager, tried to start a fight with France and vomited on your shoes. Your CV shows you have experience of starting your own empire from nothing, but the recent bits are less impressive and if you want to be in with a chance of winning here then you really need to up your game,’ Sugar told contestants. ‘But Italy – appointing teenage exotic dancers to run the show for you, what were you thinking of? You’re fired.’
The latest incarnation of the popular series sees European countries competing with each other through a variety of tasks in order to win investment in their economy and the chance to work alongside Lord Sugar’s ego. In Week One, when contestants were divided into North and South teams to set up a catering business, Britain made a rather good cup of tea to complement France’s boeuf en croute, while Greece was fired after the team it was leading went €50 billion over budget and smashed all the plates.
However, since then, things have been on the slide. In Week Two, Britain’s business model of attracting dodgy money from around the world to invest into football clubs, then selling replica shirts made in Chinese sweatshops was criticised as being too high-risk. It was, however, enough to see off Ireland, which bankrupted itself by betting everything on a vague marketing concept called ‘the craic’ to sell sticky black liquid to tourists for €8 a pint.
Germany remains the strong favourite, impressing Lord Sugar by succesfully making and selling things that aren’t completely crap, something he never quite managed in his own business career. He did however express doubts as to how popular Germany’s proposal to expand the existing business model to the rest of Europe would prove.