To mark the centenary of the first world war, the voices of celebrities including, Stephen Fry, Barbara Windsor and Joanna Lumley will echo across overcrowded platforms and bus stops across the capital.
At Arsenal, Holloway Road and Finsbury Park, Arsene Wenger will fail to announce which direction the tube trains are heading, before shrugging his shoulders and stating that he did not see the departure board.
Service announcements at Wood Lane will be replaced by Joey Barton reciting the prologue from Friedrich Nietzsche’s ‘Das Verhältnis der Schopenhauer Ischen Philosophie zu einer deutschen Kultur’, before bursting out of the control office and head-butting commuters on to the track.
Stephen Fry will regale commuters at Westminster with interesting facts about mushroom spores, whilst at Canary wharf, Joanna Lumley will emerge from the Jubilee place entrance with a horde of angry Gurkhas and lay waste to the offices of Barclays, JP Morgan and Citigroup.
Other events will include Michael Portillo preventing poor people from alighting at Sloane Square, Brian Blessed creating a perpetual feedback loop at Waterloo, and John Terry shagging your wife at Fulham Broadway, Earl’s court and West Brompton.