The Royal Family have said they can ‘finally rest easy’ today, after a judge officially granted them a Restraining Order against Royal-super fan and now confirmed stalker, Jennie Bond. The legal injunction, which prevents the 63-year-old from being within three-miles of any Royal residence, has been enforced ‘with immediate effect’, and will ensure that Bond will no longer be able to attend any Royal occasions under the guise of a BBC correspondent.
‘There’s no such thing as a Royal Correspondent’, confirmed a BBC spokesperson outside Wood Green Magistrates Court today. ‘Bond has also been charged with impersonating a BBC employee. We’ve had several run-ins with Jennie over the years for approaching members of the family with a Fisher Price microphone that wasn’t actually connected to anything. The family and the BBC are just pleased that this 14-year ordeal is finally over.’
‘She’s off her cake’, explained a relieved Prince Charles today. ‘Yes, I’ve seen her pottering around the hallways over the last few years; hoovering and rifling through bins with her bare hands, but I just assumed she was the cleaner or something. I did think it terribly odd when she offered to wash my hair, though. Of course I accepted, but had I known her intentions at the time, I would have strongly reconsidered.’
When asked how on earth Bond was able to gain access to Buckingham Palace’s private quarters, a Royal spokesman said: ‘She’s well spoken, she looks the part, and she fooled us with these fraudulent access permits she knocked up on her computer. It turns out her name isn’t even Bond, it’s ‘Bland’. She just felt she needed a sexier edge. She’s a fantasist.’
He continued: ‘Prince William has suffered the most. The whole world believes that his unfortunate premature baldness is down to some hereditary condition. The truth is that, unbeknownst to him, Jennie has been snipping off sizeable chunks of his hair regularly since he was a child. She’s probably mixed them with goats blood and created some kind of warped shrine or something. The scatty mare.’
Scotland Yard officials, who had been monitoring Bond’s movements for several years, have said they’re also interested in speaking with a certain ‘Helen Mirren’, who has allegedly been parading around America, ‘pretending to be the Queen.’