Richard Dawkins has today admitted that his apparent belief in a bleak godless existence is all a lie founded on a fear of the afterlife. He says that people simply cannot accept that their eternal soul is going to live on indefinitely, even after their physical bodies rot.
‘I’ve seen kids as young as five, who can’t sleep because they’re terrified that they and everyone they love will eventually live forever,’ Dawkins said. ‘Even at that age, they can see what a Sisyphean chore it is we are all clearly headed for. They’re already getting bored of basic bodily functions and the thought of doing them ten times a day for infinity doesn’t bear thinking about.’
Humanity, according to Dawkins, cannot cope with the idea of being conscious for eternity. Indeed, most of the population of Scotland cannot cope with the idea of being conscious for more than three hours at a time. For this reason, it became necessary for scientists to start reassuring people that there is something less, that eventually they will just cease to exist at any level and their bodies will be nothing but worm food.
‘Even if we convince people that there is no sky fairy waiting patiently to damn them forever for picking the wrong interpretation of a several-times translated piece of arcane Hebrew scripture, the psychological damage this is bound to cause is clearly far preferable to the truth,’ Dawkins said.
‘If life lasts for infinity, then nothing means anything. Why bother trying? You’ll get to do it all eventually anyway; you’re not exactly short of time. And what’s more, infinity can only exist non-linearly, therefore all things must be happening at the same time. So anything you aren’t doing you actually are doing somewhere else anyway. That means that in a parallel universe somewhere, at this very moment I’m having sex with Ann Widdecombe. I think. Eew.’
Dawkins added that it is, in fact, perfectly obvious to any rational scientist that anything as complex and beautiful as the science which purports to disprove the afterlife could be created by anything other than a supernatural omniscient deity who loves us. ‘It may seem silly to us rational grown-ups, but if we get them young enough and train them brutally, they become programmed to just have hilariously misguided faith in the pointlessness of faith. Hey, whatever they need to get through infinity, right?’