‘We want to make everyone cry in the run up to Christmas, so they will buy shedloads of our overpriced comestibles,’ explained CEO Nat Wilderman, ‘but frankly, John Lewis and Sainsbury’s have already sewn up the market this year. And research has shown that a small percentage remain impassive at the sight of fluffy penguins, and a similar number refuse to well up watching a group of men dressed as soldiers re-enacting a Paul McCartney video.’
After an abortive attempt to re-imagine the Frog Chorus with canapes and prosecco, the campaign team hit upon their new strategy; ‘We realised that if we wanted to emotionally blackmail an entire nation, we needed to do it in person’ said Bez Flaxington of advertisers NuVuConcept.
The targeted manipulation will vary depending on the data available for each person, say the marketers. ‘Obviously if we have details of a former girlfriend, or someone the householder bullied at school, we are sorted’ explained Flaxington. ‘However our trial campaign shows that people living in modern apartments respond very well to small Dickensian orphans with soot-caked waistcoats, offering to clean their chimney.’
The fleet of Ocado vans will also be used to bolster the campaign, with specially designed livery depicting a series of Christmas catastrophes including dying puppy in a box alongside a Royal Mail ‘we called but you were out’ card.
‘Early trials have indeed shown the campaign to be highly successful, with rival supermarkets following suit. After careful budgeting, Morrisons have begun posting a brown onion and paring knife to every address in the UK, with strict instructions to ‘play enclosed Coldplay CD whilst chopping.’
Meanwhile Iceland have returned to the original Christmas narrative for their campaign. This will see delivery drivers seeking out and killing firstborn male children over the age of three. ‘I’ve never cried so much in my whole life’ said mother of two – formerly three – Dolores Finch of Enfield. ‘I’m just a sucker for a traditional Christmas though’ she told police and reporters, whilst gratefully clutching a family sized Turkey Wellington in Jack Daniels Glaze, a single tear of gratitude trickling down her cheek.
skylarking (hat tip Squudge)