‘The game has changed,’ said a DEFRA spokesman, ‘this is ducks against humans. The Bovine Protection Army can shove its Badger Cull up its arse as far as we’re concerned.’ A spokesbadger for the Badger Liberation Front stated, ‘We have certain skills in this area where we can help if requested, but there will need to be concessions. We want access to antibiotics, of course, and medical help for affected members – none of that NHS shit doled out to poor humans, we want BUPA as a minimum,’ he said, peering over his glasses.
‘We’ll fight Bovine TB ourselves,’ said a spokescow from the BPA, ‘even if we have to trample on the black and white stripy bastards ourselves and asphyxiate them by shitting on their heads.’ A spokesduck from IDS – Islamic Duck State – was in fighting form. ‘We are highly mobile and control the airspace over Yorkshire as we speak,’ he said in a video released this morning, stood in front of a black IDS flag splattered with duck droppings. ‘Excuse me, but I seem to have caught a bit of a cold,’ he said coughing, ‘that’s what trench warfare does to you, wears you down, sorts the Ducks out from the Mallards, so to speak.’