In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.
Although England has not won anything since 1966, they remain convinced that silverware is within their grasp. Such is England’s self-belief that they have made a special plinth for the 2018 World Cup in their trophy cabinet; right next to the space reserved for the head of the Loch Ness monster, a flying pig and George Osborne’s ‘milk of human kindness’. Thus giving up on such an inevitable victory is an incredible sacrifice – like Miley Cyrus giving up on the respect of Germaine Greer.
However some football journalists have suggested that England’s chances of cup success were always slimmer than FIFA’s own ethics protocol. In fact earlier this year, Roy Hodgson’s men were unceremoniously expelled from the Wolverhampton & District Sunday Football League for fielding ‘less than six pub players’.
FIFA’s whitewash of a two-year investigation into corruption has given England no choice but to undermine its own footballing credibility by playing David Nugent… in all eleven positions. Former FA chief David Bernstein has already called for Carlton Palmer to come out of retirement and Graham Taylor to be uprooted. An England spokesman said: ‘People need to realise that our ineptitude in various World Cups were all ironic forms of protest. We could have won, we were just trying to prove a point. You don’t think you can miss this many penalties by chance?’