With much of the world distracted by the campaign against ISIS in the Middle East, Britain faces a new home-grown terror threat, after Stow-In- the-Wold vicar Jeremy Blythe pronounced an independent Anglican Caliphate stretching across much of rural Oxfordshire.
‘We have seized control of the parish councils of Stow, Coln St Aldwyns and Daglingworth,’ announced Blythe this morning, ’and as I speak, our forces are advancing on Shipston on Stour.’
Asked why he had taken this action, Blythe explained ‘We are sick of your Western materialistic values, with your Minidisc players and Sodastreams. We intend to go back to a purer time, when vicars wobbled about on bicycles, all vergers looked like Derek Nimmo and Cliff Richard was never anything other than non-threatening.’
While information from inside the Caliphate remains scarce, an Amnesty International report has already detailed a catalogue of human rights abuses, describing the number of forced jumble sales as ‘shockingly high.’ The subjugation of women was also a big concern, with reports that some old ladies were being forced to bake up to twenty trays of flapjacks every day.
Despite this, support for the Caliphate appears to be on the rise, with large numbers of foreign fighters flocking to the region. Wendy Briggs of Runcorn, described how her own son, Gary, had been radicalised. ‘He was just a normal teenager really, you know, sullen and argumentative with stupid hair, but gradually he started to change. I should have seen the signs really. First it was the sandals, then the tambourine lessons. Then one morning he muttered something about going to a Harvest Festival and that’s the last I saw of him.’
‘I just want my son back. He’s only a boy. He shouldn’t be miles away hanging around with these weirdos. He should be back at home in his room, furiously masturbating into a sock, just like he used to.’