Tough new border controls are being proposed at Britain’s ports and airports to prevent the mass emigration of Eastern Europeans from leaving the United Kingdom.
Under controversial plans being put together by a cross party committee, Polish people will now be stopped by customs officials and returned to their jobs as plumbers, builders and waitresses. ‘The British economy cannot survive the mass exodus of the most highly skilled and hardest working sector in the construction and service industries’ said a government spokesman. ‘And if they think they are going home before my loft conversion is finished they can forget it.’
One Conservative shadow minister was sacked from the front bench after allegations of racism against the departing Poles. In a speech to his constituency association he was reported to have said ‘Bloody Poles, they go over there, and leave all our jobs. Our street used to be a lovely area. But then one Pole moved out, and then his next door neighbour went back to Warsaw, and before you know it, the whole neighbourhood is empty of ’em.’
The government is now introducing a points system under which people can only emigrate if they are without certain skills, qualifications or personnel recommendations. ‘We were actually thinking of a certain section of British populace. You know the Big Brother contestants, sacked hedge fund managers and estate agents. But the trouble is the really useless people can never get their act together to go.’
17th November 2008