A family from Ipswich has taken the agonising decision to remove their matriarch, Mrs Brenda Higgins, from the reality TV format that has been sustaining her Saturday evenings. ‘It’s just not right to keep her like this,’ said her husband John, who has kept a faithful vigil by her side since the audition rounds. ‘She has no quality of conversation, no hope of intelligent thought. We had hoped there were some signs of higher brain function when she appeared to express outrage at Lucie’s eviction from the competition, but we quickly realised it was just a reflex reaction to Danni Minogue’s stupid fringe.’
Doctors had initially hoped that Mrs Higgins could be gradually taken off the X-Factor and could enjoy a reasonable quality of life with specially adapted episodes of Opportunity Knocks. ‘But we quickly realised that the extent of the intellectual decline was just too severe,’ said Dr Angelo Kroukas, who led the team that pioneered the antidote to Britain’s Next Top Model.
‘When she commented ‘do these people really think they can sing?’ in the early days, we knew she had lost the ability to contribute anything interesting. But by the time she remarked that ‘I think some people just vote for the ones they like’ we knew any hope of her ever being engaging company again had long gone.’
The Higgins family were being comforted at home last night as experts completed the channel-changing procedure that would bring and end to Brenda’s suffering. ‘The family asks that you respect their privacy at this difficult time,’ said a tearful neighbour. ‘But by all means keep invading that of the X-Factor hopefuls. It’s what Brenda would have wanted.’