Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashal last night announced a lasting settlement to the Israeli-Palestine conflict following a night of negotiations over eight pints of Fosters in the Lamb and Flag pub, Walthamstow.
The meeting, brokered by comedian Al Murray and former world darts champion Andy Fordham, saw the two men cover a range of issues, agreeing a lasting two-state solution based on 1967 borders, discussing the finer points of Roy Hodgson’s diamond formation and winning £7 on a Who Wants to be a Millionaire quiz machine.
‘I was a bit unsure at first’, explained Mashal, ‘but as the beers kept coming we started to get on really well. The quiz machine was a right laugh. We got to the last question and it was ‘Who are the rightful owners of Temple Mount?’ Anyway I said ‘Shall we phone a friend’ and then he went ‘OK, how about God?’ and we nearly pissed ourselves laughing. In the end we went for option D ‘who cares’ and we won the cash.’
Netanyahu was also complimentary about his opposite number. ‘Turns out he’s a great bloke, really sound. We’re thinking of making it a regular thing actually. He’s also invited me to turn out for his Sunday league team. That should be interesting, as I’m pretty terrible at football, although I’m not bad at organising a defensive wall.’
Landlord Alf Penk spoke with pride after hosting the meeting. ‘This just goes to show how much can be achieved in the good old British Pub. Not many people know this but Mandela and de Klerk first laid the foundations for the Truth and Reconciliation Committee in post-apartheid South Africa just over there by the dartboard. And Blair and Brown were always in here, trying to patch up their differences over a plate of gammon and pineapple and a couple of Strongbows.’
‘Anyway, you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve loads on. We’ve got Barack Obama and Ayatollah Khamenei coming in soon for a few games of pool and a ploughmans.’