Everything you own has been hacked and all of your personal details stolen and sold to criminals, it has emerged.
None of your protective software has been able to stop intrusions by the Chinese government and Putin-sanctioned Darknet operatives, or prevent fat, smelly teenagers staring at your arse through your Hi-Fi speakers.
Strangers routinely and remotely burn your dinner, view live footage from the front of your shoes and run up thousands of pounds on your credit card playing online blackjack whilst downloading pictures of boobies.
IT helpdesk worker Michael Orpheus explains: “There’s literally nothing you can do. Last week I clicked on an email from my bank that promised to show me lurid stationery cupboard security footage of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, just prior to the President’s historic address to the British Parliament in 1982. Before I had time to dim the lights I was electrocuted by my smartphone, hit in the face by a Big Trak that jumped out of the loft and dragged from the room by a Sylvanian Families recon-platoon of white rabbits. When I cautiously returned, I found that someone had sold my house on ebay for £5,000. I still haven’t told the wife.”
Large, spectacularly well-funded corporations are faring little better in the digital age that they themselves helped to forge, with Sony, Adobe, Paypal and Barclays among the latest trusted providers to accidentally project your Internet history, bank details and phone number onto the sides of various buildings, using lasers.
Indeed there seems no limit for the hackers once confined to the realms of cyber-punk fiction. “It’s like The Matrix Revolutions”, said Mr Orpheus, “Terrifying and totally shit.”