The government has announced a radical up-grade to Britain’s dilapidated ley-line network with major closures on all lines and charges being brought in on certain routes when the network re-opens. ‘For years Britain’s natural mystic energy has been having to cope on an out-dated system’ said David Cameron dressed in a rainbow baggy jumper wearing a large purple feather as an earring. ‘It might have been adequate for the Bronze Age when it was first laid out, but is entirely unsuitable to 21st Century new age Britain.’
Executive ley lines with controversial tolls are to be introduced in 2015, for those who do not wish to wait for their intangible cosmic earth energy. ‘It will mean demolishing Stonehenge…’ said the Prime Minister, but we are confident that the British people will understand that this is definitely worth it.’
The Conservatives have also announced brand new ley-lines linking historic archaeological sites with modern landmarks and centres of spiritual meaning. Maiden Castle in Dorset will be linked to Bluewater Shopping Centre via the Vale of the White Horse and Lakeside Thurrock. But critics have pointed out that many of these new cosmic new magnetic fields will be created in seats where UKIP pose an electoral threat to the Conservatives.
‘It’s like totally fascist…’ said Nigel Farage clutching his trademark spliff and holding a mongrel dog on a bit of string. ‘British spirit energy is being overwhelmed by all these foreign vibes coming in from Atlantis and Middle Earth. Our system can’t cope and it is undermining traditional British feng-shui.’
It was pointed out to the government that no tangible money was being spent on this upgrade, but that cash was being mysteriously redirected from existing budgets, in a way that no one quite understands. ‘We’ve been doing this in various government departments for a number of years…’ said the Prime Minister, or ‘Madhead’ as he wished to be called as he walked between the plinths at Stonehenge. ‘Just because you can’t actually see or measure government spending, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Sure, there are no visible new houses or hospitals, but the mystic energy of them is definitely there.’