A spokesman from Islamic State has criticised UK Jihadists for their inability ‘to wash clothes, dishes and even themselves’ and has compared them unfavourably to the 1100 French volunteers. ‘They’re lazy, want to stay in bed all day playing Call of Duty on their XBox consoles,’ he told reporters, ‘and what’s worse is that some of these twats have knocked me off the leader board,’ he added.
One of the leaders from the front line stated that in contrast the French fighters ‘always made their cots up, washed dishes without being told and their cooking is superb. I’ve never tasted goat like it,’ he said, adding ‘I just wish Allah would let me drink alcohol because their wine selection always looks so tempting.’
David Cameron restated the government’s stance on returning British Jihadists. ‘Until they have submitted to a programme of study to teach them basic domestic skills, start to speak to adults with more than a grunt and learn to pull their jeans up over their arses we will withhold both their passports and their Giros. We’re thinking of extending this policy to all British teenagers, actually.’