Private schools must be more patronising to keep tax relief


Labour’s education spokesman, Tristram Hunt has announced plans to make private schools’ tax breaks conditional on being a lot more patronising towards state schools.  ‘Some independent schools are already being extremely patronising and we welcome that, but if the sector as a whole is dodging tax to the tune of £165 million a year they must elucidate why they think they’re totally superior in every possible way.’

They must rack off more of the best state school teachers and put far more emphasis on subtly undermining public trust in tax-payer-funded schools. It’s no longer going to be enough to advertise your expensive facilities and small class sizes, you have to put the emphasis back where it belongs on the nebulous superiority of your teachers. They are probably at least 43.8% cleverer, stronger and better looking than their state school colleagues, are not required to have any pesky training or qualifications and could patronise the tits off ordinary teachers if we let them keep a tax incentive to do so. ”

In the past, education ministers and spokespeople were happy to patronise state schools for the sheer love of it. Indeed many in the party saw it as an insult in 1986 when proposals were put forward to give MPs tax relief on bottled water used to moisten their throats during speeches that drew snide comparisons between state and private schools. More recently it has been felt that the level of condescension has dropped to unacceptable levels and that it is no longer sustainable to rely on wealthy benefactors providing this essential public service. Labour MPs (some from deprived backgrounds) who suffer from the handicap of vestigial consciences would certainly require financial support to undertake this onerous new responsibility.

In a connected statement, Hunt suggested that in future private healthcare providers such as BUPA could register as charities as long as they give local GPs their old photocopiers and make more adverts hinting that your poor old granny might even die in an NHS hospital.

The Chairman of the Independent Schools Association said in a statement, “We’ve not paid a penny in tax since before 1634, so why should we start now? If we allow the government of the day to start using taxation as tool of fiscal policy to influence stability, efficiency and redistribution then where will we all be eh? Eh? Boo-ya.”


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Posted: Dec 8th, 2014 by

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