There was fury on the Northern Line this morning as it became apparent that TfL had put pressure on the CIA to redact all reference to their continued use of EIT: Enhanced and Intolerable Transportation. Commuters in the capital have long been subjected to inhumane treatment whilst struggling to reach their destinations during the rush hour. Inmates are routinely crushed in to packed trains and forced to smell the lingering body odours of less sanitary fellow sufferers.
At London Bridge station, as he was herded towards an already packed platform whilst being harangued by a guard with a loud hailer urging him to ‘Move down the platform’, 49 year old accountant, Bill Dew, spoke of the torture he has been subjected to for the past thirty years.
“I’ve had to endure this rendition from Lewisham to Camden Town every day of my working life,” he said, “Drenched in water waiting to board the train, incessant rock music from bad ear phones and then they cram you in to tiny carriages until you can hardly breathe. It’s torture! There’s no other word for it.”
Eventually Bill reaches the relative safety of his accountancy firm in Camden High Street. He has survived the inhumane indignities inflicted up on him and millions of others every day by the heartless and cruel agent of torture that is Transport for London.
“I reckon I’d be better off travelling with the CIA to Guantanamo,” he mused shivering in the rain, “At least it’s warm in Cuba.”