There’s a double-whammy of shock news today as it’s being reported on the Internet and news agencies everywhere that co-hosts of popular BBC cookery show Masterchef, John Torode and Gregg Wallace, have finally disappeared up their own arse holes. Fears have been growing for some time now for the blokey on and off screen pals, since critics and fans alike noticed progressively heightened levels of hyperbole and ridiculously over-the-top descriptions of absolutely every aspect of the hit show up until the final this week.
A BBC source said, ‘It’s as if they’ve caught some kind of illness where nothing whatsoever can be described as ordinary or mundane. They both also insist on bellowing every line to camera, and when you take into account the way they shovel down the grub then it’s hardly any surprise that something was going to give in the end. In fact during the final we feared that Gregg was going to spontaneously combust at one point.’
Flamboyant and feisty top chef, Gordon Ramsey, speaking from one of his many Michelin-starred eateries stunned onlookers with this foulmouthed tirade. ‘For fu*k’s it’s only a fu*king cooking show! Not fu*king life or death like the way those pair of fu*king to*sers kept banging on about it! And what’s more I wouldn’t hire the fu*king bloke who won it to scrub my fu*king pots. Fu*k me…Change his life for ever? Do me a fu*king favour will you…’
The hapless pair were last seen sharing a lads’ night out at trendy celebrity watering hole, The Ivy, during which it’s alleged that they ran the waiter who served them all three courses of a sumptuous Table D’Hote menu ragged with endless questions about the provenance of the produce. A fellow diner on the night, said to be a showbiz giant but wishing to remain anonymous, contends that the poor man, Bogdan Ilic, was completely knackered when the pair of presenters finished the meal, and that he was subsequently stretchered away by paramedics; suffering from nervous exhaustion shortly after Gregg and John left at around 11.30.
The news comes as the BBC plans to shoot a celebrity version of the show. The corporation is offering a reward reagarding information about Mr Torode and Mr Wallace’s whereabouts. Anyone who has any knowledge whatsoever is being offered £50,000 to keep it secret.