The nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.
‘It’s not as if we don’t love our Uni friends,’ said Joe Mappin, a politics student at Edinburgh, ‘of course we do. But that doesn’t necessarily mean spending time with them is easy. It’s just too difficult to avoid drama when you put your whole friendship group in the same room. They’re at each other’s throats after the slightest comment, rehashing old arguments seemingly just out of boredom. What you want is family. They’re just up for a good, relaxed time.’
After weeks on end of sexually charged debates and casual drinking games, students say they have all too often found themselves ‘deprived’ of the pleasures of intense, passive-aggressive Boggle and four-hour-long charades sessions. Equally, many cite minimum-wage holiday jobs as key to their excitement.
‘At Uni, I just end up sleeping until two in the afternoon, which is unproductive and frankly embarrassing,’ said Mappin. ‘Back here, I get to wake up at half five to be in work at the Post Office by six, which is great for developing a sense of discipline and keeping the tough but gratifying realities of adult life fresh in my mind. Plus I get to see my mother first thing in the morning and remind her how much I love her.’
Some students have reportedly been disappointed to find that the boyfriend or girlfriend they left behind has also been shagging everything that moved in their absence and is poised to dump them immediately after Christmas. Most, however, claim their chief reaction is ‘profound relief’ at being reminded that despite having established a newer, cooler identity at university, there are still people in their lives to remind them of the acne-ridden, socially challenged fool they always were and still are deep down inside.