Clinton looking forward to ‘a massive cigar’

might still smoke it out in that quiet little room with no cameras...

Former President Bill Clinton has greeted with delight the news that Americans might be allowed to import Cuban cigars legally after President Obama announced plans to normalise relations between the two countries. ‘I have had some enormous cigars in the past,’ he told the Washington Post. ‘As a young man these were totally huge. Many of my friends and colleagues will remember just how big these totally legal large cylindrical male-oriented objects were.’

Back in 1998, Mr Clinton accidentally had a secret and unforeseen ‘missile crisis’ in what is euphemistically called an ‘Oval Office’. This came close to propelling the world to the brink of unclear war and resulting in sudden notoriety for a Washington dry cleaner and the thorough internal investigation of a young intern working at the White House, who went on to become Monica Lewinsky on radio, television and in the press.

Later, Mr Clinton categorically denied ‘having a cigar’ with Ms Lewsinsky, who in turn denied inhaling any part of the then president, who had a huge saxophone hit with Baker Street in the same year, which many people wrongly blamed on Bob Holness off of Blockbusters. At around the same time, the CIA allegedly tried to assassinate Fidel Castro using an exploding cigar taken by Mrs Clinton from President Clinton’s bedroom drawers, but it went off too early, embarrassing both parties.

Now the whole story is to be told in a light hearted political comedy with Bill Murray as the hapless Clinton and Claudia Lewinsky in the part of the femme fatale who nearly caused World War III, Monica Winkle, who is also known around the world as a woman who ‘will go down in history’. Meanwhile, back in the real world, European leaders have welcomed the move to bring Cuba back in the fold and have advised their citizens to go on holiday there soon before the bloody Americans ruin it completely like everywhere else.

Hat tip to Gaijintendo

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2014 by

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