‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’
Charities are in crisis mode as they realise that the homeless might prefer to sit outside in balmy weather rather than be fussed over by God bothering, happy-clappy do-gooders in draughty church halls. ‘We have a lake of soup to dispense on Christmas Day, now it looks like we need to find sufficient stocks of white gazpacho at a time of high demand, a real nightmare situation,’ said one charity worker.
Health officials are concerned that the NHS will struggle to cope with mild warmth-related illnesses in the festive period. ‘We urge everyone to avoid contact with Christmas pullovers and to turn the heating down,’ said one official. Ministers are urging the government to delay the winter fuel allowance to encourage pensioners to turn the heating off. ‘Old people need air con too,’ warned one opposition MP, voting against the move.
The Met Office has also warned that the unseasonal weather could continue until it gets its old computer back from PC World in Brent Cross. Meanwhile, the government is claiming that the forecast proves that its recent climate change taxes have worked. ‘You can trust a Conservative government to deliver exactly what it says. We said climate change and that’s what you got,’ stated David Cameron.