In an initiative to make its strict new rules for immigrants to the UK more palatable to the British public, the Department for Work and Pensions are to introduce a TV quiz show into the popular teatime slot.
‘Dole Or No Dole’ will be compered by DWP Secretary Iain Duncan Smith as inquisitor ‘The Quiet Man’, and features 100 immigrant applicants being whittled down to one successful candidate every episode.
In a good cop/bad cop format, the contestants face a series of interrogations from both Duncan Smith and ‘The Wanker’, a mystery voice from the DWP who sneers derisively at their pleas on the end of a telephone line.
“The contestants consist of 99 % Romanians, Bulgarians and other such Third World scroungers, plus 1% either native english speakers from countries such as Australia, or the occasional Russian oligarch willing to make large anonymous donations to a Charitable Conservative Organisation,” said an excited Duncan Smith.
“It will give the public an opportunity to see that our new immigration process is transparent and fair. The show will ensure only immigrants who have a legal right to be in Britain and plan to contribute to this country can make a claim for benefits, all wrapped up in the sort of exciting and entertaining TV format that we British truly love.”
Responding to surprise that the DWP Secretary is to host the show despite cabinet colleagues have openly described him as ‘possessing all the charisma of a wet fart’, Mr Duncan Smith, though conceding this point, countered that “it had never stopped Noel Edmonds” and promised to liven himself up a bit with a rummage through Alan Duncan’s wardrobe for more distinctive shirts.
UKIP’s Nigel Farage dismissed the move as ‘gesture politics’ and said; “a far more effective filter, if we had control of our borders, would be a return to the good old British tradition of slavery. That’s something,’ he added, ‘that, mark my words, would be illegal if we let Brussels have their way.’
Other Government departments are considering emulating the DWP initiative. The Treasury is piloting ‘Who Wants To Be An Offshore Millionaire?’ presented by George Osborne, who will ask contestants questions which don’t need to be answered for many years or at least until assets have been moved to a safer place. And the Department for Transport have also mooted a format whereby MPs’ speeding penalties are nullified, under the provisional title, ‘Pointless’.
(picture also by pinxit)