The world’s first gun-toting maniac created using 3D printer technology has been unveiled and will be released into the community next week. The synthetic psycho is the brainchild of American law student Billy-Bob Eagleburger of Austin, Texas. It will undergo a test-run next Tuesday afternoon when it will be armed to teeth with an arsenal of 3D printer generated weaponry and let loose in a shopping mall.
‘Once it was possible to print a 3D plastic gun, it was the next logical step to print a 3D plastic serial killer,’ explained Eagleburger, who now plans to publish his blueprint on the internet. ‘I don’t see anything wrong with that. We live in a free society and it’s the constitutional right of every American to download and print their very own self-assembly sociopath.’
Eagleburger added that he recognised that in the wrong hands a gun-wielding killer might be used to harm other people, ‘but the important thing to remember is that 3D-printed guns don’t kill people, 3D-printed psychopaths with 3D-printed guns kill people … no, hang on, I haven’t thought this through properly. But just because it doesn’t make sense isn’t a good reason not to put it out there.’
Liberals are already calling for tighter regulations on 3D printer ownership, with proposals being drafted to restrict the use of automatic and semi-automatic printers, plus a seven day waiting period for anyone thinking of buying a replacement cartridge.
However, Wayne LaPierre of America’s newly formed National Printer Association defended the freedom to print psychopaths. ‘The Second Amendment clearly gives every American the right to defend himself by pressing Ctrl-P’, he said. ‘America would be a safer place if every man, woman and child had a plasticated gun-wielding maniac by their side. The answer to a bad man with a printer is a good man with a printer. No, really.’
Even as LaPierre was defending the right to print arms, the National Guard was being called to Washington DC, where a rogue 3D printer had gone one stage further and begun printing endless versions of itself. Experts warned that this would probably lead to the universe imploding into a logical paradox, or something else that will spoil everything just when Manchester United had had their worst start to a league campaign ever.
Hat tip to Titus