Israel’s Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, announced that the Jewish people are to withdraw from Israel explaining that the whole ‘Holy Land/Chosen People’ thing had all been a lot more trouble than it was worth and that it might be better for all concerned if they simply went and lived in Brooklyn.
‘We gave it our best shot,’ said Mr Olmert as he boarded one of a fleet of ships preparing to leave the port of Haifa , but we had a chat about it last night and we decided that it’s time to call it a day.’
The announcement came after sixty years of effort to secure a Jewish state in the Promised Land had resulted only in ongoing hostilities and constant condemnation from the world’s media. On hearing the news of the Israeli withdrawal, Palestinians were reported to be shocked and upset. ‘Come on guys, don’t go. You were here first; it says so in your Bible. I’m sure we could maybe work something out.’ Middle Eastern leaders such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. of Iran and President Assad of Syria said they miss their old sparring matches with Israeli politicians and that the old place ‘would not be the same without them’.
Mr Olmert declined to apportion blame for the failure to set up a peaceful Jewish homeland in Palestine; ‘Sometimes these things just aren’t meant to be. I think mistakes were probably made on all sides, but it’s only a bit of land, so we thought it’s not worth fighting over; let’s move on and make a fresh start somewhere else.’
In the meantime the empty homes in the state formerly known as Israel were thought to offer an ideal opportunity to give secure homes to displaced populations from other parts of the world. A UN spokesman said ‘We thought we could put the displaced Serbs and Bosnians in Jerusalem, Kurds, Ethnic Russians and Chechnians in Tel Aviv and maybe the Hutus and the Tutsis in the West Bank. ‘It’s a perfect solution all round’ said one UN official.
31st December 2008