With fingers crossed, fidgeting and winking to the camera, Prime Minister David Cameron fired the starting pistol to the longest sustained stream of affluent effluent in electoral history. He was swiftly joined by the leaders of all the main political parties keen to shovel on extra dollops of steaming manifesto do-do’s and don’t-don’ts.
All the way through to May 2015, candidates are expected to indulge in levels of non-stop shiftiness which would normally send Pinocchio looking for emergency rhinoplasty. One animal behaviourist explained: ‘There are subtle tell-tale signs when a politician is lying. Lips moving, or taking in breath are the two most obvious ones. But the one that people usually miss is whenever they meet a member of the electorate; they have to adopt a fixed grin, in order to suppress their natural gag reflex.’
Naturally voters are somewhat less enthused about five months of dissembling electioneering. One swing voter commented: ‘We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf, but no one mentions the story of the boy who pretended the NHS was safe. In that version of the story the wolf gets so embarrassed by the boy’s actions that he votes for the Green Party. And that’s saying something, as wolves are notoriously UKIP.’
Meteorologists have suggested that the mild winter may be to blame for early spring buds and a tsunami of inexactitude, but the BBC’s other most trusted presenter after the weather forecasters, Nick Robinson, hinted at the immediate perception of perfidy by ‘Messrs Cameron, Clegg and Miliband’. ”Beware of Greeks bearing gifts’ as the saying goes,’ he mused. ‘But these election promises seem less like a Trojan Horse filled with sneaky Greeks and more like a dyspeptic donkey about to unleash a fountain of diarrhoea on your best rug. Then they’ll rub salt into the wound, or poo into the shag pile, by spending the next five years telling you how it is your own fault and that you have to pay for the clean-up.’
Wrenfoe (Hat-tip to Squudge)